Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
