So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize