hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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