the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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