Cold hands, warm shart.
id be glad to
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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