Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
