filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize