so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
