Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
