9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
