my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bring money and cleavage
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
