Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize