please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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