You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
