Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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