you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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