i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
