Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
