He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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