I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
