I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
