Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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