Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize