I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
