I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
