____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Randomize