I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I stole a fireplace last night.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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