Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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