Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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