i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
