Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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