took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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