Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
