She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
