omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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