The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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