i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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