I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
