Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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