Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
