I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
