Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
