I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
PANTIES FOUND
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