my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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