literally had 100 drinks last night.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize