I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
