I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
