Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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