everyone is single if you try hard enough
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
