Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
