You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
