don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
