The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
