I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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