U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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