I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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