You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
He kissed a someone with a penis
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
