I need to stop coming to work sober
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize