The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
