You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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