My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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