If that was your dad, he is hot
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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