Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
this boner is exhausting
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
